I am scared. I have to say it. I have to acknowledge it. I have to express it, look at it and examine it.
I was unafraid when I spent two years making plans and slowly implementing those plans to come to Vegas. I was unafraid when I downsized from a 3 bedroom house to a one bedroom apartment and was purging, purging, purging. I was unafraid when I emptied out my one bedroom apartment and selling or giving away everything I owned. I was boasting, bragging - telling everyone that I'm outta here!
I was looking forward to January 15, 2019 - to getting on that plane and arriving in Vegas. It was all so exciting. Then I did it. And the excitement carried me for a short time.
Four months later and fear is starting to set in. I am questioning why I even did all of this. Why didn't I stay home so I could continue to be present in my children's lives and hold my granddaughters? Why am I here? What am I doing? What did I want to happen? What did I expect? What am I looking for?
So it's a time of deep reflection and deep soul searching. I am reviewing events, occurrences, thoughts and self-made promises. I have to think about what I've gained versus what I feel I've lost. Because the things I feel I lost I repeat in my head over and over again - - I'm missing my little baby girls. I am missing my sons, my daughter, my wonderful son and daughter in law. I miss dropping by my little sister's house and sitting for a time just to feel the wonderful love that we have as siblings. Family cookouts, spring, grass, trees, the amazing bird orchestra that starts at 3:30 am as they sing to the rising sun, familiarity of environment, knowing where everything is, knowing how to get anywhere I wanted to be and so much more...
I don't like Vegas overall. I don't like the streets - they've got 6 to 8 lane expressways that are supposed to be streets. Most of the streets here might as well be called highways. People speed on them. Crossing the street is intimidating, even when you use the cross lights. Actually, you have to use the cross lights. There's no other way to get across those expansive streets safely!
Because grass will burn in the sun, they've got rocks everywhere that other places would have naturally have grass. The whole place just looks hot and uninviting to me. I'm a nature girl - a tree and grass girl. What am I doing in the desert?
The main strip is very commercial. I've yet to venture through there extensively because I don't find it interesting. Bars, restaurants, stores and tourist attractions such as waterfalls, dancing fountain waters, gondola rides ... pricey and uneventful - meaningless to me.
Fear of heights, fear of driving on the roads here, fear of uncertainty, financial fears... Fear can close down your world and it was starting to do that for me. I was beginning to feel dizzy and lightheaded anytime I was out of the house. It was difficult to move about.
As my head was spinning, my courage vanished and I was overrun with doubts and fear, I happened to find a fortune cookie paper that I had kept for the last three years. Today I decided to use my big, black bag and checked all the pockets before I loaded it up and there it was, waiting for me for this very day.
"The thing in us that we fear only wants your love."
This reappeared in my life just at the right time. It gave me pause. It returned my focus. It gave me new purpose. It helped me to pull it all back together. No one wants to be afraid. No one. I was waking up and going to sleep with all of this fear every damn day. -- and it was increasing in intensity daily. I realized that I was choosing to be afraid. I was self-sabotaging and shrinking my world and imploding. It really, really made me think about everything and reevaluate everything. My fears only wanted my love. I wanted comfort, reassurance, courage - to be free from fear -- to know that everything was okay. As I really delved deeply into everything I was thinking and feeling, I started to become aware that everything in fact was okay. I was okay. I was enough for me. My love was enough. God's love was enough. My spirit guides and my ancestors were close to me and I know now that all is well. I feel them with me. Once I freed myself from all of that, my clarity returned and I began to more clearly see and focus on what I've gained since I made my bold cross-country move and came here.
The biggest thing is the unfolding of some (what I consider new, but have been told were dormant) spiritual gifts. The gift of transmitting love through my hands. The ability to strengthen and expand my aura, to mount my angel wings. I won't go into great detail, but I will say that it's powerful, beautiful, worthy of celebration, further exploration and future sharing.
I have learned how to sing! Haha! My voice is stronger and more versatile than it's ever been in my entire life. Singing two, three, four hours a day will do that. That's what I'm doing on a daily basis as a street performer in Vegas. And I consider it more practice as well as performance. I am honing my skills, honoring my talent and praising the Creator all at the same time. I am so much more aware of the vibration. One of my mentors taught me that music is a prayer - and it is. I've always believed that statement. But, now I can see and experience my own prayers when I am singing. I can feel it now and I can consciously project it now. And it feels good.
It's kind of like how the voices of some singers can put you into a trance, or pull the joy out of you - put the joy in you. There are so many singers that I would marvel who could do that. I am learning how and by God, it's amazing.
I love my voice. For so many years I would secretly lament about what it wasn't. I complained about it. I put it down. I was actually ashamed of it. I just wanted right enough, powerful enough... it wasn't like Chaka Khan's! Ha ha! Until now, I never let it be all that it could be. I would listen to my favorite singers and focus on what they had, what they could do and compare it to mine -- and of course mine wasn't anything compared to theirs. But now I have come to respect/approve and embrace what I was given, what I have and what I developed. For the first time ever, I am confident about my vocal talent. I can hold my own now - even in comparison to some of the best out there - and I gladly, proudly and boldly put myself on their level. I'm bad. Yes, I said it. I'm an incredible vocalist. And my goal is to continue exploring and developing this wonderful, wonderful sacred gift that I've been given.
I've been able to reinstall my courage to move around, to go to new places - to journey out more. I wasn't comfortable venturing out. I would feel dizzy and lightheaded. I was enjoying my little spot on Fremont Street and the freedom to sing whatever I wanted and the necessity to appeal only to myself in terms of song selections. I was happy to close my world in around me and to just sing and go home - not venture out beyond the downtown area. Patting myself on the back now, my warrior shield is back in place and I am "free to move about the cabin," so to speak!
We create our world for ourselves (and collectively) by allowing ourselves to dream and by taking appropriate actions to manifest those dreams. Our creativity comes from dreaming about what if's, how's and why's to accomplish what we need to accomplish to venture forward into the reality we are creating for ourselves. Most people just dream though. They don't take the actions for manifestation. Unfortunately they feel it's not for them and never move forward leaving their dream to be just that - a dream. All of that to say that my creativity is back! Solutions are uploading into my mind everyday. I love my brilliant and creative mind! I am gifted to be able to see the light pixels where the color is missing. I can add in the dark pixels to complete the picture. Freedom from fear has reopened the floodgates to the ideas that have been waiting for permission to come.
I can honestly say that I came all the way out here to be able to support myself as a singer. I've always believed it possible and I'm here to make it happen. But, something else is happening as well or instead. Hmmmm. Spiritual growth and development. Inside things are changing and it's marvelous. I'm being molded, created and preparing for rebirth into something, someone new and spectacular. Same, but different. An unveiling of a mystery that my soul has known forever, but my conscious mind has never seen. As this happens and all of the other beautiful things are happening, I will sing fearlessly because God told me to. And the fortune cookie saying, it's now on my altar where I will look at it frequently so I won't ever forget.